Then I became one of those moms. And yes, I chose. I justified the choice in so many ways that I was making my friends sick of hearing about it; I'm sure. (I've worked through and apologized for all that by the way.) And then Terry and I started talking about me staying home again. I was elated. We are settled on it. I am staying home next year.
And today, I felt guilty for that choice. What the? I could not be seriously feeling this way. It's all I've wanted for the past two years. I've pleaded with God. I've been mad at myself for bad decisions. And I finally resigned myself to...what ever happens, happens. If I have to work, I at least have a great job, great flexibility and I enjoy it. Okay, the getting up in the morning I could forgo, but I'd have to get up at some point in the day anyway.
And the opportunity to stay home finally arrived.
But this past week, I've been enjoying my job on a whole new level. I'm a good teacher. I could be much better over time and putting in more hours; but all in all, I feel really good about my abilities. It's all been just clicking. Little Legoes just snapping in place. Kids are getting it. I'm getting kudos for my performance. All the stuff that makes teaching worth while.
However, several times I've had to talk myself out of STAYING. Why in the world would I want to stay? In a word: Guilt.
I realized today I actually feel guilty because there are so many moms who have to work, or work and are much better at "doing it all" than I am, or I feel like I'm giving up this great job...crap, crap and more crap.
I hate guilt. I hate that we use it on each other. I hate that I use it on myself and sometimes even act like God is behind it.
I don't have any words of wisdom here. This is a problem bigger than me, but I can at least address this in my own life. Frankly, from this point forward I refuse to allow guilt to be a burden in my life. I will make plenty of mistakes to feel bad about, but that is what God is there for, right? Pick me up, teach me, move on.
Guilt is one of Satan's best ploys to get us off God's track. He's got the majority of us wrapped up in it, ladies. It's just another way to condemn people.
So what's it gonna be? What do you feel guilty about?