Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Tansparent

Almost daily someone will ask me how I'm doing with all of the changes going on. I usually respond with, "Every thing's great!" I explain that I miss my friends and family in Dallas, and the free time I used to have, but all things considered, we're doing very well.

But, truth be told, this has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. And frankly, yesterday just sucked. I had lunch with a new friend yesterday. (That part was great, just to be clear.) But, for the first time I think I really started to move to Oklahoma. Physically, I've been here for three months. Going through the motions, wearing a smile and trying like the dickens to not complain to God or anyone else how much this hurts. Mentally however, I've been living in Dallas. And Spiritually? A bit numb. Afraid to really talk to God in fear of what else He might ask of me.

When T became the campus pastor for the Downtown FC campus several years ago, I grieved...hard. I realized very quickly I was grieving the death of the plans I had for our lives. All of them. Where we planned to move, in what environment we planned to raise the girls, who I hung out with daily...it was all changed, different, gone. But, I adjusted. I'm very "go with the flow" 90% of the time. I still got to see my friends when I wanted and visit on the phone ad nauseum. We had a fabulous home with gorgeous trees and the girls and I just continued to live in our little care free world. It never occurred to me that an even more radical change was going to happen in such a short period of time.

Then God asked. He asked me to support my husband in a way I never have, train my children in a way I never have, and experience an alone-ness that I have never felt. At that moment, when He first asked, I thought, "Sure, why not? I kind of need a change." I don't think I truly was expecting what was behind God's door # 3. The moving, the going back to work, the putting my kids in childcare for the first time ever, the leaving...the leaving...the leaving.

So, here I sit. In the reality of grieving again. A dark cloud has been over me for the past month. It's weird. I certainly don't hate living in Edmond, and I don't really miss Dallas as a whole; I've just hidden what ever I have been feeling in a walled up numbness. Until yesterday. Yesterday, it hit; I was in pain.

Terry has been listening to Marc Driscoll a bit lately on Nehemiah. He said there is no progress in God without pain. I've been running from it. I was happy to do His will as long as I didn't have to feel that pain. On the flip side of that, I knew I couldn't stay numb forever. God knew it too. He knew I would eventually come out from under my cloud completely exposed to the what was around me. And, it hurts. I know I have to let go of what my life was, (even typing that literally makes my heart hurt) and embrace what God has for me and my family here. I trust Him and feel like running from Him all at the same time. I know He has immeasurably more for me that I can imagine if I just let Him have my life.

Why, even as someone who has been a Christian for a long time, is it still so hard?

So, for those of you who know me well, please just pray that God will reveal to me what His plan is here for me. Not as a wife or mom or teacher, but as His servant. It's time to say "Yes" to all of His plan no matter what it may be.

**On a side note, I know what I am going through pales in comparison for those who are fighting for their lives and need our prayers (cancer, kidneys, etc). Please know I understand how blessed I am in my life.

16 comments:

Barbie said...

Oh my word I SOOOOO get what you are saying. I know our situations are different but when I moved to Oklahoma I moved from the state I was born and raised. I knew God was calling me to Oklahoma but I didn't know why and that part was hard. Sometimes that whole faith thing is hard lol Just know I AM praying and I am doing it from a heart that understands that alone-ness you are talking about {{{{{}}}}}}}

PEZmama said...

Love you, girl.

Susie said...

I'm so happy you were honest enough to share this. You are ministering to others in such a big way, especially me, when you share your heart like this. T is a blessed man to have you follow him and I'm sure he knows it. Ultimately you are following God, and that is all that matters. Praying for you to find happiness beyond your wildest dreams in good ole Edmond. I love that you are saying Yes to God's plan for your life.

Clemntine said...

I know.

Bless you.

Girl Gone Wild said...

Just your willingness to be transparent shows your openness to move from the painful emotional spot that you're in. You don't have to just suffer from cancer, etc to have feelings of frustration and wavering of faith.

On a side note...Dude! You moved from Texas to Oklahoma. Isn't that the ultimate no-no?? I'm an original Okie and I squirm everytime I step foot into Texas. :-P

I'll pray for you, Robin.

Vickie said...

Robin,
My heart is heavy for you. I can relate only our circumstances are much different. I have lived in Oklahoma all my life, however, I had similar feelings after my first husband left my son and I 15 years ago. I felt all my hopes and dreams for my little family had died. Granted this is not your circumstance but reading your post reminded me of those days. It is hard when God does a new work and those ideals we had clung to change somewhat. I pray that those you encounter here in Edmond will welcome you. So much has changed in this town since I was a young girl.

My precious husband of six years moved here from Texas to Edmond a little more than six years ago. He had been widwowed and had three young children. We met, in a miraculous way, and married. I now parent four amazing teenagers and love every minute of it. God has made beauty from the ashes of our lives. I know that during this time of transition to a new state, city, job, school, church, etc., etc., etc., is challenging but I am confident of this very thing, He who began a good work in you will complete it! God bless you and I hope that at some point I can join you and the other gals from Edmond for lunch one day! I live very near the Panera in Edmond!

I enjoy all the blogs I read but can never seem to find the time to update mine. Life with four teenagers is extremely busy plus work, etc.

Blessings,
Vickie

Proverbs31Mom said...

Robin,
Blogger did not leave my email address. Contact me when ya'll get together again!
Vickie

Amanda said...

Well, just so you know, you wrote this for me. We just moved to Austin and I am already having a hard time. Everything you wrote, I have felt or am feeling now.

I feel so much better knowing I am not alone.

I will pray for you today Robin.

Barb said...

It's all such a huge change, Robin, it's no wonder you feel a little lost. Someday you'll feel more at home and more comfortable with this new life. I'll pray that the journey is a quick one for you.

And what Kelli and Heather are going through right now is awful but it's OK to have our own problems, too. There's just a whole lot of prayer on all levels needed right now.

Myrna said...

You don't know me, but I just have to answer the question on your blog. As long as you have Dr. Pepper and some stars in your life you will be a Texsn!

Seriously, I went through just what you are experiencing--It was thirty-six years ago and it was Tennessee, not OK. I came here because the Lord led my husband to a job/career job that he loved for thirty-five years. I thought I had come to the end of the world and wondered what in the world had I agreed to! It was definitely God's will and He enriched our lives in ways we never could have imagined on that COLD and ICY February weekend. This is our home, and I have loved TN for a long time. But,I am still part Texan. I pray that you will also reach that peace that helps you feel at home--as I drink a Dr. Pepper and smile at the star hanging in my hallway!

Memiors of a Home Schooler said...

Hey sweet friend!
My heart aches for you even as I know with complete certainty that God has amazing plans for you. You have no idea how you are a walking testimony. Through your actions and how you live you have encouraged me so many times and now many more people will have the opportunity to see that, even when you can't. Leaving everything behind must be hard, but I think one day you will wake up and go through your day and be happy and suddenly realize God has made a new home in your heart in Edmond. It will take time. I will be praying for you and your precious family.
Hugs,
Jen

P.S. And you are like an AMAZING teacher. Lucky public school kids. :)

Carol said...

Isn't Mark's Nehemiah series awesome? I am learning so much from it.

You know, you have an opportunity to accept God's grace right now - the grace to be who you are, right where you are. Part of that includes dying to the whole "where you think you want to be" right now so you can accept that grace. I'm sure you already know this, but God has you in this place at this time for a reason.

Texas misses you, too. But we're not that far away, really. (You'll always be a Texan!)

Kelly said...

Thanks for your transparency... it is encouraging to see that even though following God's will isn't always easy, you are still doing it, and with a heart filled with trust that His will is best.
It will be exciting to see how He blesses you in the midst of so much change.

theresa said...

I know we already chatted about this but I just wanted to say I love ya!

Jan said...

The leaving...it always hurts. Take it to God, girl. Let him comfort you. He knows you're hurting...he just wants you to lean in.

Jennifer said...

I so know what you are feeling. Praise God that you were able to vocalize it. God knows your heart and will bless you immensly for your Faithfulness